In the middle

The middle of anything is not normally nice. Whether it refers to the mid-life or mid-week, being in the middle of work or getting into the mid-management, being in the middle has its follies for sure. The past few months have specifically brought this to the fore in my case. I am 31 now, a good enough age for all uncles and aunties getting worried about my marriage and yet the same people expecting me to stay away from the serious discussions...the really serious ones, whatever that means!

I love to be with the "youngsters" and yet I am expected to behave in a particular manner that befits the fact that I have been working as a profesional for almost a decade now while the real "youngsters" still have to get out of their alma mater. I want to have my say and give my suggestions on discussions that go on in the household but am not considered mature enough to understand the implications of everything and the one all-defeating explanation of experience giving wisdom is invariably unassailable.

I have had reasonable success at work, getting ahead of the curve thanks to some fortuitous circumstances and some kind seniors. I have been pretty fortunate in getting the kind of responsibilities that I have, learning the kind of things that I can, achieving the successes that I do. But what is up next? Does life stop here or is there more to achieve? Of course there is, much more but as some will say, all in its due course. But how do I explain that to my ambitious self that does not want to wait for this time to come, whenever it deems fit to?

I want to reach the next level right now. Age and associated assumed lack of experience, peer band parity, HR policies, nepotism, and sheer lack of meritocracy can go back to the stone age and red-tape-infested cobweb that they belong to. Is it too much to ask (and that too in a world that is so competitive) to be given recognition that matches the responsibilities assigned to a person.

What answers do I have to give to my often-cynical mind that keeps asking me as to the stage when the functional role gets translated into a job role? Even companies that are considered evolved in their thought processes have a delay of about 6 month to a year before they shift someone to a higher job role after that person having moved to a higher functional role. Is it too unfair to ask that if you do not consider a person worthy of getting a higher designation, more recognition, better prospects, then why would you assign more and critical work to him and why would you have expectations of him that you would normally not have from a peer of his?

But then there is the other perspective to think of, too...as is always the case. Am I really thinking about what I do as some sort of God's gift to mankind? Is there really something in me that deserves that extra recognition? What is wrong with the efforts of those that are my peers from an age, education, or career point of view that can excuse a lower standing for them than what I supposedly deserve? Am I just over-estimating my contribution and significance? Is there, after all, some merit in why things are the way they are and not the way that I want them to be?

Keeping busy

It is sheer boredom and the fact that I can postpone whatever little is occupying me at work currently, that I am here on the blog. What a waste, really that it has come to this! Started out as something that would record my life the way I see it, that would note my observations, feelings, thoughts, and ideas...Mode C was meant to be so much more but it was all of this only once upon a time. I have been busy since then and more than that, have been enjoying reading stuff online too much to bother about writing any.
 
There have been many things that have happened since I last wrote which is to be expected given the last time I wrote a post was some 7 months ago. My sister got married, I finally graduated from the small car to the mid-big sized car segment, the team I manage at work grew to five really smart people (Well...four smart ones, excluding me), I went on a regular exercise - good food course, went off it and saw myself bloat, and have now been back on the course again.
 
All these apart, the world is the same place as it was with its share of the strange and the mundane, joys and sorrows...the killings and plunderings co-existing with the winnings and achievements. With Manoj entering the family and Priya moving on to complete the family of her betrothed, I get a lot of time to sit alone and introspect...not too much of it though, considering that Priya continues to stay in the same building, even on the same floor as I do (which is a blessing, really).
 
Whatever little time I do get though, is spent on some good deal of mental reasoning, idea formulation, rationalizing and cross-questioning of thoughts, and at times, even their dissolution. Random thoughts...will India win the world cup for Sachin or vice versa...what is the purpose of my life, just to make a living, reproduce and die or to actually create something that carries my name and legacy forward...how and when will I be able to convince my parents to come and stay with me permanently...is the IPL only a random money making, extravagance showing game for the rich-beyond-means or does it bode well for the sport of cricket...and does it really matter as long as I am entertained not just by the cricket but also by the disgusting show of financial muscle...who and how would my life partner turn out to be and is it right to go the route of arranged marriage with no background or compatibility check possible and does it really matter...when would my venture finally see the light of day, if at all and what would it be like, the multimedia restaurant or the Home Office or the Fin Mart or something completely different...
 
There are no clear answers. Heck, there aren't any clear questions in the first place. All that's there is time, more than I can gainfully employ. I do keep randomly spending it quite nicely though. There have been some really good concerts that I have been to recently (the morning and evening concerts at Janfest on the 26th of Jan were specially nice and brilliant, of course, was also the time when both Manish and I lost our hearts to Gwyneth Wentink, the Harp player from Netherlands). I need to start getting back to theatre...participation may not be very active but at least as an audience...and when will I finally be able to play the guitar well (the three month lessons during my summers in Cal are all but forgotten)
 
I must catch a movie today. Keeping busy certainly helps.

Back again

I had almost given up on the blog after what happened last time I tried to write something. There was also this thing that is popularly called writers' block that I had hit and I hardly knew what to write or even had the enthusiasm to try finding out things that were interesting enough to recount to those who still read this space. Habit, however, as they say, is a leech and so I am back here with yet another update. If I offend someone or something by what I write (both here down below or anytime in the past or future), I am unconditionally apologetic but that is the best that I can do.

So, what have I been up to all these days? Let me see, I have watched a lot of movies for a first. Unfortunately, none of them have excited me enough to want to write a review. Whether it is the idyllic Ishqiya or the message-heavy My Name Is Khan, the thought-provoking Up In The Air or the different Karthik Calling Karthik, or even the visual marvel Avatar, I may have liked or disliked them but not really loved or hated any of them enough to warrant a blog post.

Holi just went by and was awesome because Papa and Mummy were here to celebrate it with us at the new house (this is the first Holi here). They are here for another week or so and plan to go after Papa and I go to watch the inaugural IPL (Indian Premier League) cricket match at the stadium on the 12th. The times when parents are home are such blessings, one looks forward to going home from work and spending weekends out of bed with so much more enthusiasm. Priya, my sister, does manage to keep me on my toes even otherwise but hard as she may try, poor thing can never match the impact that Papa and Mummy have.

Life is chugging along just fine and I am in one of those phases of mine where even if I am not really excited about the way things are going, I am pretty content and that, I believe, is more than half the battle won. I like my friends, am reasonably stable financially and do not hate my work even though I have form and content issues (more content than form, if you know what I mean)

Work, as I said, is getting slightly complicated with the mid-work-life crisis showing its face yet again. As a practice so far, I have not spent exactly 22 months with each of my previous assignments, 22 months at Infosys, another 22 at Kotak Wealth, Delhi as a Relationship Manager, and as you may have guessed by now, I have completed 22 months in Mumbai at Kotak Wealth. So is it time to start something new (as the logo of Shoppers Stop, the company in which my sister works, says)? I am not too sure but what I am sure of is that I need to be prepared for some tough questions from both sides during the upcoming appraisal.

Appraisal reminds me of something Jassi (colleague and dear friend) showed me this morning. It was the status update of a friend of his related to appraisal which pointed to the dialogue of one of the few classic Hindi Film Industry's comedies, Andaz Apna Apna. The dialogue goes like this (and reads beautifully if the context with which you are reading it is the appraisal process):

bbbbba .... bolna kya tha chup kara diya
unka ek ek sawal, mere do do jawab
sawal ek ... jawab do
sawal-jawab...sawal-jawab...sawal-jawab

chupppp...lambi khamoshi

Update long due

It's been ages since I last wrote and this time, there are no excuses. I just did not feel like writing. Every time I came to see the blog, I felt like updating it but never managed to gather enough verve to actually sit and write something. Not that there was a dearth of things to write about...quite to the contrary, actually. Not only from a strict news point of you, but even from the emotions and sentiments ruling my life, there were so many things I should have recorded but I did not. Well, better late than never!

Getting on to the news front first, I bought a house in Mumbai...that's right, a dwelling place in one of the most densely populated and costliest cities in the world. That is the good part. The bad part is that the house and associated liabilities have resulted in a fixed monthly expense of about Rs. 80,000 and that is without taking into account the other, relatively variable expenditure that one will have to make towards regular expenses like maid, electricity, cooking gas, car fuel, groceries, etc...most of which is being covered by Priya today but that will only last for that much more time.

The office, incidentally, has also shifted to Kalina, which is only 3 odd kilometers from my new home. What this means is that I have now got additional two hours of my life per day, all to myself. I have started utilizing these two additional hours properly. While the one in the morning goes into exercise (I have actually started running and to my utter surprise, I have managed notwithstanding my leg), the one in the evening goes to reading (one good habit that I had put on the back burner for a long time).

Amongst other news, my car has become a wreck and the driver is threatening to leave (not related to each other but still...). Now Sunil, the driver in question, has been serving our family for the last six years and since he belongs to the native place, the trust factor is pretty strong. From my side, I have tried to treat him well but the promise of Mumbai does not fail in getting anyone. Having spent his driving career in Jaipur and Delhi, Sunil has realized, having come to Mumbai, what the possibilities are...how endless they seem once you are free to pursue them...and free is what he wants to be.

Okay, now that we are done with news in its strictest sense, time to do the transition from news to its impact. The transition, of course, starts with more news and this one happens to be that I did not get any special treatment from my firm this year (and this includes bonus and salary hikes which I did not expect, as well as promotions and role definitions which I did). That's it...I have said it and I don't care who reads it.

Obviously, all the news has resulted in a combination of some extreme sentiments. There is, of course, happiness, joy, pride, and a sense of achievement on the family owning a house in Mumbai (celebrated in part via two housewarming parties, one for the college junta and another for the office people). At the same time, there is sadness, disappointment, disillusionment, and a resignation to fate that has resulted from news at work.

I have become so befuddled with all this that I don't know whether to be happy or sad nowadays. The end result is that I have become such an explosive mixture that at times, I hardly know what to expect from myself. A friend tells me that I am dead and have lost my sense of humor, another tells me that I am into some sort of depression, my sister has stopped talking to me since I flare up at her at the slightest of things, and I get tired of any conversation that lasts for more than a minute or two.

Much ado about...

Regular readers of this blog (I am still hopeful!) are aware of the entire brouhaha about "The play that never was" which happened last Wednesday. Irregular readers or those who don't know what I am talking about should read the previous post just below this before they come back to read the rest of this one.

Now that Wednesday March 25th was approaching, I was looking forward to watch the play more than ever before. Further news items in newspapers and on the radio, talking about the play and how its special edition was going to be a special show, kept on adding to the anticipation throughout the week.

And then it was that I received this mail from my boss asking me to arrange a mock session for some presentation on some product that we are launching. And before you say you guessed it, let me still have the satisfaction of telling you that the mail mentioned Wednesday March 25th as one of the dates on which the sessions would take place and before you jump the gun and take away from me my thunder, let me also tell you that the timings for the session were just right, starting about an hour before the show started and ending at least an hour after the show could have ended.

So it was that with a heavy heart, I drew the schedule and sent it to all concerned. I was still ruminating on the lost opportunity and trying to console the inconsolable Jassi when I was given a real bad look by one of the other concerned. He also happened to have planned for the show...with his wife...having bought tickets worth Rs 1000 each...twice of what we paid, btw.

In spite of all the bad looks and all the inability of being consoled, nothing could have been changed, more so when there was a mail from the boss again the next day, asking people to stay back for the entire session irrespective of whether they were directly involved in it or not. You couldn't have played around with something as direct as that, could you (we did try doing some re-scheduling earlier when certain things would have freed us up on time for the show)?

It was not to be and it was not. We sat through the entire mock session, I trying to forget everything by concentrating on watching the presentation getting murdered in some mock sessions and added on to in others, others shifting from being interested to being hung over, all this within less than a few minutes.

And then the torture ended and we were out on the streets to get back to home and that is exactly when the show broke as well. As Jassi put it very nicely, "not only did we not get to see the show, but we also got to get stuck in the traffic because of it".

PS: We managed to sell the tickets in time, and the person we sold to had a really nice time...really nice...really nice (yes, she did it, repeated it thrice).

Cheers to the tough times!

October is almost about to end without a single post this month and that is something one can't allow, can one? So after thinking about what to write, even going to the extent of trying to copy ideas from some of the blogs I have got into a habit of reading every day, I have sat down to write...well, something.

For starters, things are becoming increasingly mundane at work and have come to such a head that at times, I keep getting into one of those introspective moods thinking about the reasons for existence and all that. Broadly speaking, there is lack of enough work and even the work that is there lacks any amount of application of intellect, constituting things that any thirteen year old can sleepwalk through. There is a limit to which you can make excel sheets and send mails and sit angrily thinking about what is going on behind closed doors that does not need your presence and is yet obviously strategically important given the recent times.

I have even started questioning the reasons for joining this job in the sense that the expectations I had from it are perhaps not coming across the way I thought they would. In fact, while reading a book I recently picked up (more about the book in some other post), I realized how effective such a profile as mine has proved for many successful entrepreneurs when they started out post their MBAs. I had thought that it will be the same for me as well (even without the benefit of having read this book and known this fact earlier) but somehow, whether that will actually happen is now getting questioned.

On top of all this, financial services as a sector and even the equity markets are at an all time low and like always, I am short of confidence on job prospects in this area and more importantly, short of cash to buy anything at the bourses. It is so uncannily similar to such situations in the past that even my credit card bills at these occasions have been very close to each other with the difference between them hardly exceeding 5000 (the bills, as you may have guessed, are obviously in the higher thousands bracket for 5000 to be such a small difference).

The silver lining, of course is that it is festive season and Maa Papa are here with us in Mumbai to make my time at home real quality time. If things go right and Raj Thackeray and his counterparts in Bihar stop making a horrible mess of it, Baba and Bua should also be here before long and this Deepawali shall be one fantastic celebration for me...really looking forward to it all. Priya is super excited, as well and has already coaxed me into getting a 42 inches plasma and a home theatre system at home (there goes the secret of high credit card bills). In times of cost cutting, job layoffs, and job insecurity, here's to the Goddess of Wealth...cheers!!!

Of fifth graders, IPL, work and life

I first caught this show 'Are you smarter than a fifth grader' on television as I was aimlessly surfing through the channels on a lazy sunday. I thought it to be a nice format and then forgot all about it till Shahrukh Khan and Synergy Adlabs happened to it. And thus was launched 'Kya aap paanchvi pass se tez hain'. Though I missed the first episode (got a bit confused as to the dates), I did catch the other two and I must say that Mr. Basu impresses once again. Right from the TATA Steel Quiz all those years ago in Patna to Quiz Time, KBC, and now this show, I have always been a fan of Siddharth Basu, not as much for his quizzing talent (which, in itself, is remarkable) but more so for his ability to execute, without a fault. Consider the sets of KBC and the questions that stumped you just enough to feel that you can win, and just enough to make sure that you actually don't. Consider Quiz Time and the first ever popular quiz show on the Indian television, much before the current breed of reality shows had hit the boob tube.

Coming back to this particular show, the technical stuff is very much in place and very similar to the original, thanks to Mr. Basu and team. More than that, Basu's getting the hang of getting the right people for the job is pretty evident as well. I mean, who else but King Khan to pit kids against young and not-so-young adults, who else but King Khan to host a show that is supposed to be bubbly, energetic, and to a certain extent, kiddish, who else but King Khan to make a complete mockery (and yet be considerate enough to be polite all the way) of the contestants when they are not smarter than a fifth grader?

Fortunately or unfortunately, the people who have actually come on this show so far have not really been geniuses and the questions haven't helped either (well, some cases like the Is-Is-Istanbul and Karanchi-Lahore or revolutions around the SRK-sun were plain dumb). More than this, and definitely unfortunately, SRK has not been in his elements so far to be actually able to take the show to another level with his infectious energy. Whether it is thanks to his commitments to IPL, or unveiling of yet another wax statue of his, or his receiving yet another award in yet another award function organized by yet another magazine/TV channel, is open for debate.

Speaking of the IPL, things are going on pretty smoothly for the league now and just as the interest was about to be weaned away from the affairs on field, some things happened off it that brought the limelight right back. The 'Slapgate' and 'Cheeromania' were enough for even Dadas and Dadis who had not been clued in to the game's latest avataar to start talking about it. From news channels focusing only on the opulence of the game so far, and partly on the game, as well, this gave enough fodder to bring in other aspects of the drama to the public, and finally, it is the BCCI and the IPL franchise owners who are silently but surely, laughing all the way to the bank.

Work, on the other hand, is fast becoming a multi headed monster with too many things occupying my attention at the moment. Some of these are down right mundane and I do not wish to spend any more time on them but then there are others as well which are absolutely exciting and I can't wait to get going. However, as long as I am involved in these tasks, I shall be held responsible for their failure (if not the success, being just another cog in the wheel) and thus, have to give my whole and be on my juggling best as I go through late nights at work and at the same time, boring inerludes of sleep-inducing stuff during the day.

The personal life is not really kicking with work taking more of my time than I would ideally want but then I had anticipated this when I agreed to come to Mumbai in this role. Having been put into a position where I need to cultivate new friendships, and not having the ease of picking up a conversation with any and every one in the vicinity, is getting to be a pain, as well. I had assumed that life in Mumbai would be more social what with the IIMK people presumably hitting it big time in Mumbai, but I couldn't have been more mistaken. Distances play the spoilsport here in Mumbai, as well. Perhaps more so, since the distances are not just composed of the actual miles but even include the time constraints that many of us face in this fast and busy city.

Top of the mind

The Indian Premier League is currently enjoying a very enviable top of mind recall, and perhaps deservedly so. Even though a lot of people had anticipated the IPL to be one rocking extravaganza, the "Manoranjan ka Baap" (do catch the ad if you haven't already) was a pleasant addition. With perhaps the most potent combination of cricket and movies that is possible in this country, the IPL is fast on its way to become a path breaker and a trendsetter. Comparing it to its poorer cousin, ICL seems such a shame now, given the remarkably comprehensive way in which IPL has emerged victorious, be it in terms of star power, money, facilities involved to things as simple as graphics, advertisements, side shows (remember the Akshay Kumar stunts in Delhi?). 

Apart from IPL, the other thing that has been keeping me occupied is my 'gareebkhana'. Thanks to Priya, the place is looking so much better and livable now. We have got the bean bags, an artificial fountain, a whole lot of kitchenware, and of course with the maid having started coming in, the overall appearance of the place is so very neat and clean. In fact, on Sunday, as the last few hours of the three day vacation were coming to pass, I had this inexplicable feeling of contentment at having finally managed to stay in a kind of place and in a kind of style that I always wanted to. Of course, it would have been great if I could have managed it in Delhi, but even if the new salary here in Bombay allows me this lifestyle, I shall be grateful.

At work, it is productivity that we have been talking about. In fact, it is a very interesting and debatable issue as to what is a good metric for productivity. If and once you are able to decide on this metric, do you have the systems required to measure that metric, or before that, to even record accurately the inputs required to measure that metric. For me, it has been a little difficult and yet extremely interesting to come to terms with this search for this metric, with the system lacking any substance at all, and the metric's visibility being almost non-existent. I also look at this entire exercise with a lot of interest because I have been at the other side of things so far, responsible for breaking all the rules and being, more or less, part of the reason why this metric is being considered in the first place.

In fact, this has led me to a difficult situation with my friends and colleagues working in the position I used to work for. I am, now, on the other side of the table, doing things that they would hate, imposing restriction, rules, and unreasonable-sounding requests that I would have as vociferously opposed as idiosyncrasies of the management. This, however, is part of what I have chosen for myself so I guess I will have to live with it. It will not be easy, of course, because with time, what is right now just good natured banter and teasing might take the form of talking behind my back or open criticism.

Still there

This is just to report that I am still alive and so is this blog. I will be back to regular posts pretty soon.

As of now, I am just getting inducted into Kotak Mahindra Bank Ltd. at Mumbai as a private banker (or a Wealth Manager, as Kotak calls the job). With the markets crashing like nine pins, it is certainly not a nice time to disturb people with queries and doubts but that's how it has been and will be for some time to come for me in this job.

More details and other stuff when I reach Delhi (where I have been posted, btw) two days later.

 

In transit

Can we postpone the movie for the next weekend please?

Now why would you want that? You were the one who asked us all for the movie...

Yes, I know but you see...there is this training thing starting on Monday and I don't want to start my first day at my first job without a good night's sleep behind me.

The first day at the first job. Like so many other firsts...first love, first kiss...the first job is the platform that so many of us have come across (and so many will) while making our transition...a transition from a carefree world where dreams know no end and reality hasn't sunk in yet to a world that is as clear as is opaque...as round as is straight. The stepping stone to the so-called and much-hyped corporate life, the first job prepares one for the days ahead...or does it?

In the very beginning, isn't it all about trying to maintain a straight face with head held high but all the while thinking about what the manager, the colleague, the fellow trainee, the trainer...or even the peon is thinking about one self? Am I dressed properly...is the tie the right length...have I combed my hair the dignified way or are there traces still of the last weekend's spikes...are my shoes shining...is there a smile on my face when I greet my boss...am I interacting sufficiently with my colleagues or becoming either a recluse or too garrulous??? There are so many questions but not as many answers as one bumbles from one formal relationship to another...from one errand to another, trying to find a balance.

The balance does come but a little late, late enough to make you realize that all you have thought of to be true may not be able to stand the test of time and experience. The ideals that your college life taught you, the dreams that you had of your hard work resulting in handsome returns are just those...dreams and ideals. The real life is so different, you feel. There is no one who is your friend in the real sense...all of them are professionals, waiting to bite your back the moment right after they have just scratched it. You start feeling that the veil has lifted and you know that efforts are all good to speak of but in reality, there is much more to progress...to success. You start getting the idea more than anything else, that your fortunes depend not solely on the amount of work that you put in or the nature of results that you have generated but more on how well you have been able to present yourself...how well you have been able to network, to suck up to the people who matter.

The above two stages are so very transitive and boundary-less that many-a-specimen of the first job population that I have been discussing are often left wondering. They don't know when they move on from the confused-and-scared stage to the cynical-and-rebel one. In some cases, the employees' prejudice makes them start off with the second stage itself and the first stage is lost in oblivion just because of the rather uncommon cockiness that might have come from peer advice or to resort to a cliche, general knowledge. However, in almost all other cases, there is this uncertain beginning that is to be invariably seen and following it may be a gradual or sudden movement to the second stage. The second stage is particularly seen to be harmful for the company and this is where the possibility of attrition looms large. In fact, if we take a careful look at the attrition details of most companies, we can quite easily realize that there is simply too much supporting data for the above observation.

Whether it be the attrition data or the employee surveys that the progressive companies undertake, the result is often seen to be the same. There are people belonging to a third class (apart from the above two) who are the most satisfied lot. Not that they do not have ambitions...not at all...in deed, they are much more focussed at what they want from life and are working the fastest towards it. In fact, if we look at the profile of people who hav reached this stage, we will soon realize the reason for their apparent satisfaction with their work place and at the same time, their contribution to what is often known in the corporate lingo as organizational inertia.

This third stage is reached when the winds of change have passed through and done the damage that they could have. It comes, but rarely, to those who let themselves be uprooted by the winds ever so often. It comes to everyone at some stage or the other but it comes earlier to the steadier of the lot, the more focused of the group, the more determined of the pool...people who have spent their work life not cribbing and complaining alone, people who have been at the top without thinking too much about it...people who work smart and not just hard (another cliche, yes but pretty much suited).

This is where the lateral entrants (people who are into their second, third or later jobs) and the experienced people come in. These people have already arrived...they are thinking of strategy (and not in the sense an MBA student thinks about it, if you please)...they plan to align themselves with their company...they wonder about the performance linked incentives with more than mere wonder or a sort of indifference...they either feel themselves to be a part of the family or are too unattached to let even anything else (like a probable increment offered by some other shark in the pond) cloud their actions.

A journey from uncertainty to rebellion to acceptance, the corporate life is not at all as simple and as appealing as it looks from the outside. Of course, there is the financial freedom to a certain extent but at what cost? Is it just a mirage, then, that we look at when we are burning the midnight oil for that entrance, for this interview? A lot depends, I would opine, on the mentality of the person if this question is to be answered. The first stage of hesistant exploration is for the most innocent of them all and honestly, the longer it lasts, the better for all concerned. The sceptic moves on pretty soon to the second questioning stage and if there is a lack of clear puprose, this stage gets prolonged for just a bit too long.

The step that shall benefit the employee as well as the company is to arrive at a mechanism by which the third stage becomes much more porous...where, just like the transition between the first and the second stages, there are ways in which smooth transfer may take place between the "oh wow!" and "oh ok!"...where the enthusiasm and first-timer's freshness contribute just that little bit more to the big picture.

Working for free

I have been working for free once again, and that too during my last few days at Infy. I know that it may sound like cribbing but I am ready to challenge anyone who says that they love working and that too, with the knowledge that they will be leaving the company for good in another three days.

I got the letter from IIMK today and it does require a lot of things for me to do. The difficult things seem to be the Work Experience Certificate and the Medical Fitness Certificate that has to be bribed out of some Government Doctor. I guess that Papa, as usual, will want to take care of all this and ask me to just have fun. This time however, I have decided that I will share the burden (as if it is somebody else's load) and do something on my own, too.

In the long telephonic chat with Nani yesterday, I started to feel really home sick. With four more days to touchdown, I am really becoming impatient. Shanu, my cousin, was telling me about the plans that the entire cousin gang has already made regarding my arrival and stay. They have picked up the movies that we will be watching, the places we will be visiting (what with the new car that Mananmama has bought) and the restaurants where they will suck the last drop of cash out of me. I am really missing them and want to be there as soon as possible and even earlier.

Wrong side of the bed

I am in a very bad mood today and things that have been happening since the morning are not helping at all. I couldn't even possibly have got up on the wrong side of the bed because the other side is too close to the wall for me to get down unless I (or someone else) moved the bed during the night. To start with, something seemed wrong with the bike while I was driving in the morning...somehow, it was just not running smooth...even after having checked the petrol and air pressure yesterday. For breakfast, I got the last parathas in the container. They were cold and uncooked in parts, but due to some strange reason, I did not (could not?) ask for replacement.

Office has been bad since the morning, too. There is a big group of children come over for some summer camp. I do like children and love talking to them but half of them understand only Tamil. Also, whenever I approached some kid, prompt came the instructor to ward them off from me (as if I was some monster thing straight from Harry Potter's Azkaban). On second thoughts, it would be great to look like one of the Dementors. At least I will know for sure that the reason some of these kids are running away from me is that I simply scare them witless (and not just my monstrous looks that might have been scaring them off). These kids have been making a racket and from sounding cute this morning when I came in (even after the biking experience), it started to gradually get on my nerves and now, I can hardly shut their voices off from banging into my head.

Bijon got his stock options converted today. He sent the exercise request three whole days after I did. I know that it sounds childish but what the hell, I have not even received an acknowledgement of my request. I was about to send a hot mail to the HR on this but was finally able to calm myself and sent them a mail rich on satire. The prompt reply said that they have not even received my request, and they are telling me now, 12 days after I sent the damn thing. I rushed up to the dispatch section, fully prepared for a fight and scored a duck there, too when they showed me their records with the IOC numbers and the WOB numbers and I don't know what else. I noted down all the numbers and sent them all to HR again...waiting for their response and hopefully, a big fight now.

It is strange how things go wrong all at the same time. Yahoo messenger is behaving oddly (not that it ever behaved correctly) and I am getting disconnected 5 times a minute. The net connection is pathetic and I don't have anything to do. I can not work (because there is no work and because more importantly, I don't want to work). I can not surf or chat (because of the God-forsaken connection). I can not leave office (they have started monitoring the In and Out timings, or rather the difference between the In and Out timings)

Hopefully, I will be updating the blog with some of the saner stuff tomorrow if things don't go from bad to worse too soon...

Introspections of an idle mind

The mind wanders...although it is not yet time to introspect on my past two years with Infosys, that's the direction my mind has been taking whenever it decides to go for a stroll. This stroll thing has been happening more and more frequently now, what with me getting away from office at a decent time (not the usual 9 or 10 PM slots any more, thankfully) and getting loads of time to let my mind go wherever it wants to.

When I started with Infy two years back, the thought that I had was to try to develop a contact base. I seemed to have an idea that the more people I am going to have in my group, the more interactions I have with my colleagues, the happier I will be. Traditionally, I have neither been an introvert, nor an out-and-out extrovert. To my loss, I decided to change myself for the beginning of my professional career. I became a loud mouthed extrovert who cracked jokes on others' expense and tried a little too hard to be the life of the party. The things were going fine and I did not feel the pinch, not until one fine day, when I found myself isolated and marooned on an island where my own jokes started to haunt me.

So many things happened to me that I lost count of reality. I thought I had found my best friend, I thought I lost him. I thought that I can be happy only if there are people around, I thought that I don't need anyone...hell, I even thought that I was in love...and all this just because I could not cope with the changes that I, myself, had intentionally brought about in me. In the end, it all came to naught and thankfully so.

Thanks to some heartbreaks and receiving some tough talking from others and later from myself, too, I could finally see the path. Whether the path is right or not, I still haven't found out. By the time I had decided how I am going to get back to my old self, I was actually denied the chance. All my friends, the entire gamut of people for whom I had changed myself had left me alone, some leaving my life intentionally (getting tired of me) and some simply had to go.

With IIMK looming large ahead and a new set of people with whom I am going to interact, I just wonder what is going to happen. Will the old me appeal to these people? Worse still, am I, in asking this question, again trying to change myself? Do I come across as someone else when I talk/chat to my new friends? Even if it is true, shouldn't I come across as such a person in spite of what I really am, considering that this is a B-school that I am going to join? So many questions and hardly any answers...

Monday Blues!!

The whole of Sunday spent in watching all three parts of Lord of the Rings, I was completely spent yesterday. It seemed as if there was nothing to do, nothing to think of except the beard of Gandalf, the eyes of Ghollum or the sword of Aragorn. And to top it off, I got a throat infection and believe me, nothing like a throat infection to dampen your mood if you are not in one of your brightest. There I was, to my utter surprise and even contempt, thinking happily of going back to office on Tuesday. Monday being a holiday on account of elections, I couldn't even find any net cafe in the vicinity that could serve depressed junkies like me. Another dose of movies on HBO was what saved the day for me in the final run.

Above everything else (even the throat infection), I had this thought of wanting to check out the people who have joined the yahoo group for the batch of '06 at IIMK. I wanted to read more on the blogs of the seniors to know what they think of this period and whether any of them are nostalgic about it, seeing the enthu of us people (I found one nostalgic lady in Divya Iyer). But for all this, I had to wait till Tuesday, when I joined office again and had the world wide web at my disposal. Sometimes, I am seriously led to wonder as to what the world will come to if there is no internet. I guess the people who came much much before us thought the same of books. Information has, in deed, been fascinating right from the origin of time and the sources of information valued above all else.

Responsibility to what? To whom?

With great power comes great responsibility...that's what Peter Parker's Uncle Ben told him hours before he was shot by a robber. It did not take long for Peter to ask the obvious question: Responsibility to what? To whom? I guess he got the answer, too. He transformed into the messiah of the downtrodden and avenger of the common man, a character we all know as SpiderMan. I was just wondering, however, if it is all related to comics and the world of make-believe alone. Can we really try to ignore such things in our practical life and still be able to live with it? I learnt the hard way that we can not.

Infosys is certainly a strange place to work in. Perhaps it is not just Infosys (to be fair), but all other software (or even other) companies as well. Regardless, the amount of power wielding and the yielding to power that you see in Infosys is surely something that has opened my eyes and opened them wide. There is a hierarchy at the work place that is invisible and yet very potent. You can go into your boss's cabin any time of the day but you can not really say something first and think later.

Your boss can come and say something to you and even though you want to protest and say 'No' to him in an assertive way (as taught in so many of those mundane HR Lectures), you can not really do so. At the back of your mind, you know that his demand of your time is reasonably fair, considering that you are hardly doing anything for the project for which you are currently being billed. But after you have said the 'Yes' to him and come back to your desk, all defeated and pensive, you seem to realize that you have just agreed to work for free!

I guess that this is what they call life and its compromises. I know I sound a little too melodramatic but that's the way I am feeling right now. The fact that the new project, to which I do not belong and yet have to 'help', is a documentation project does not help either..

Freedom in chains??

Sometimes I really wonder...Is freedom really free? The types of costs associated with freedom make it such a coveted possession that the very freedom of freedom comes under the shadow of doubt. Why I wonder thus, you may ask. When I was preparing for JEE, I had one nice thought in my mind which always used to drive me and that was to aim at a peaceful future where I will have the freedom to choose the way I want to shape my own life.

I used to earnestly believe that an IIT education (or an IT education, as in my case) will help me reach just that position. Infosys has indeed been a revelation, however. I had heard long tales of people putting in long hours at work in IT industry but I always used to pass it off as their lack of competence or their absolute dearth of choice. I had none, I believed, that was till I joined Infosys. I have spent so man night outs (as we call them) here that it is really difficult to talk of freedom and my job in the same breath. The reason why I am cribbing right now is that yesterday was another such night out, and no, it was not because I lacked competence. It was not because I did not have a choice. In fact, I had my Spiderman novel all lined up.

The Global Delivery Model, as envisaged by Infosys and other IT gurus does not work so well if you have an Onsite Offshore ratio of 1:5. The offshore team does need to provide support if there is a single person at Onsite working on a User Acceptance Testing Set Up. Similarly, the onsite person does need to stay awake at nights if there are some critical issues that need to be discussed over the phone and can not be really discussed over the email. This model, though very useful for the people who matter (the client and the company), does not really serve its purpose if you consider all stakeholders.

To cut the long story short, I went home yesterday, or rather today, at about 3 AM and all the way home, I was thinking the dark thoughts that I have put above. But I do tend to forget some things whenever I have these dark thoughts. One such thing in this case has been the time I came to office today..2 PM. Justice, what?