Here she comes...

A whiff of fresh air covers all my senses, her perfume lingering in the air as she walks past, leaving me spellbound and my eyes riveted, waiting for more. The speech gets slurred and the ears tingle with her rhythmic laughter. To touch her seems but, a distant dream and one that forms the promise of what heaven could be.

Life is a dream when she is around, a dream that I never want to wake up from. The sparkle in her eyes and the mischief that spills forth has the potential to lighten up the gloomiest of corners. As she smiles, the lines around her mouth curve in a unique pattern with the slight up-tilt of the face giving the appearance of a half-smirk. She plays around with her expressions, her bright, playful eyes and her disarming but up-to-no-good smile winning my heart all over again.

A slight shake of the head causes her tresses to come up ahead, covering most of her face. When she is not doing much with her facial movements (rarely that it happens), the hair sits quietly by the side but alert and seeming to have a life of its own, waiting to be revived and ready for action. A strong nose with a chin to match up to it tell me how determined she is, determined enough to take care of everything around, including a somewhat incorrigible me.

Her voice spells magic the moment it leaves her mouth, encapsulating the most intelligent of remarks and expressing the most gold-hearted of feelings. Conversations with her actually end up in disservice to the feelings behind her words as they so often get hidden behind the sheer melody of her voice and the poetry of her sentences. The sweetness-personified-child in her comes to the fore at times and at others, it is the girls-just-wanna-have-fun persona that is dominant; while there are times when the no-nonsense-mother in her takes over.

She has the strength to not just turn her own life around but make the world a better place for all those close to her...the character to move the most stubborn of obstacles away, the almost there-by-default determination to spread happiness around her, and the sensitivity to know what is going to make people around her happy. Whether at work or at home, she is the energy that gives and nourishes life, not ever to be slighted or underestimated, but to be celebrated and conserved at all times.

As she thus makes an appearance in my dreams, strolling gently with hair cruising along and the free flowing laughter providing the momentum to the sails of her life, I want to just keep floating. The heart keeps bobbing up and down, inside and out like the oars that her voice provides. The anchor has been pulled up and her free spirit is ready to soar and take me along with her. I am excited as despite the destination being unknown, the journey promises to be more rewarding that any other could ever be.

Stepping in...gradually

I am absolved of my guilt. Her scars have healed and she has moved on to another person, another life and am I relieved! The past used to keep on re-appearing and coaxing me for all the wrongs I had done and the effect those wrongs would have had on her. Now that she is happy with someone else, I am happy in her happiness...yes, I know it is a little (or more than a little) cliched but that is how I feel and I can't do much about the way I feel, can I?

The dynamics of relationships on campus have gone into the forming stages and people seem to have found their niches and more importantly, found others who fit in those niches. In some instances, the discovery is joyous and publicly acknowledged while in others, there still exist some hesistations and stumbling blocks. I am not necessarily talking about only romatically linked couples here but it is also to do with friendships (groups of two or more) that seem to have gone past the acquaintance stages and survived the onslaught of mistrust and apprehensions.

As our batch tries to find its identity, the Batch of 2005 is all set to mark the exit scene. In fact, some of them have already left, some to be back for the convocation one last time and others not to return, not ever. One of the first ever freshers-dominated batches in the short history of IIMK, this batch has had many firsts to its name and then a few more. They have achieved a lot in their two years here and are leaving behind shoes that might as well turn out to be too big for our feet. Whether it be the multitude of competitions across B-schools through which they have got IIMK on the map (right from University Challenge Finals to inter-IIM Case Winners) or it be the excellent initiatives in terms of various seminars and industry interaction activities, these people have really been pioneers.

I still remember the first night when I met some of my seniors in the Chennai Alumni-Freshers meet. Hearing them talk about the entreprenuerial nature of the institute, I was skeptical but having seen what this batch has been able to do with the institute, I am sure that the batches to follow will have a hard time keeping up.

It is in deed too much

This was probably one of the roughest and deepest of lean patches that I have gone through (just have a look at my photo on Aditya's blog to guess my state of affairs)...second only to the BIG one that had its effect this time around, too (as always)...but that is another story and a long one at that. If someone had told me a few days back (as people did) that things are bound to get better, I might not have believed them and just silently laughed them away. Given what else happened consecutively, I might have been right for all that the other person knew. Today, however, with most of the factors responsible for my dumping myself into the dumps (partially voluntarily and partially involuntarily) doing an about turn, I can only thank God for all the mercy that He has shown to me and my dear ones. I just hope that He forgives me for doubting Him when He was busy doing the best for me.

What I did learn from this patch was not how I can mitigate the effect of such patches on myself (I remain the binary one...she will at least smile if she reads this, I know). I learnt, however, that I have quite a lot of friends...quite a lot of people who stand by me...some say it in words, some say it with actions. I am sure that some of these people are reading this and for once (not once too often, I hope though), I want to use this blog as a communicating agent. I shall be doing you grave injustice if I name you or hint to your concern for me in any way, but all I want to say is that all of you know that I am talking about you and that I am really humbled by your care and concern for me and that I appreciate the whole of it and want to appreciate it by saying it loud and clear for each one of the small things that you people did...asking me about my problems...cheering me up even if you were down...trying to take me away from my little world of worries.

As for the other things, there have been quite a lot of them happening on campus. There are some things that I should not be talking about and some that I should be. I wonder how true can I be to this blog after this but any future posts on this blog concerning real people and places shall be as objective as possible...plain facts and no opinions. As for my take on things, it will be more introspective and more factual...so all those looking for masala can find alternative sources :-)

The other BIG thing that happened was that I got selected for the International Student Exchange Program of IIMK and I shall be going to ESCP-EAP, Paris for Term 5. It does sound like a big thing but given the number of applicants for it, it is not really an achievement but more of an opportunity. I am still wondering about the validity of my decision about the opportunity part, as well. As I had also mentioned in my Statement of Purpose submitted with the application, I do want to see how these people outside teach and conduct business, but all the same, I don't really know if it will be entirely possible to be done in a way that adds value to me as a person and as a professional. There are lateral placements to be considered, too that I will be missing...one of the reasons why not too many of our experience-rich batch applied for the program in the first place.

And then of course, there is our annual festival Backwaters, which for all the worthless contribution that I might be capable of, is likely to suffer for want of one member. We are planning something really good this time and I just hope that I shall be able to be a part of it in some way or the other.

I know all that but...

It has been days since I ceased to be myself and God only knows how many more days it is going to continue thus. Minutes, hours, and days pass by me as I remain standing, immobilized, disinterested and contemplative. I even got to use the "Thinking Point" on campus which I used to mock at for its absolute uselessness. For a change, I do not want to write about what is causing all this and despite this being one space where I have shared my deepest griefs and the most happening joys, this one time I simply can't...is it too personal...it may be but that's not the reason...I am simply tired of the things occupying my mind, soul and body and do not want the blog to suffer, too and give me something to remember these days by, in the future.

Anyways, it has been too much of cribbing...in fact, this blog is fast becoming a crib-log which I don't want it to become...it should be just a rendition of my life and experiences...probably it is just that...I am again deviating....so back to what happened last night. I called up one of my friends who is going to get married next month to congratulate her and put up an excuse for not turning up for her wedding. From one thing to another, I inadvertently shared a part of my mood (must have spoken something rude...I don't even know but the friend that she is, she caught up with it) with her and that was enough for her to try and cheer me up for the next half an hour and this is what she tried (of all things :-)) :

I think that you need a steady relationship
Yeah, I thought so, too till I heard that you are getting married to someone else
You know what, you are not a girlfriend material at all
You mean a boyfriend material
Both actually
urr...umm...come again

And then she explained what she meant by someone who is a girlfriend material
...must not be a diehard romantic (which is what she says I am)
...must not be possessive at all or conversely, must be acutely possessive (I fluctuate between the two, she says)
...must be consistent in his mannerisms towards the girl (As per her experience, I greet her one day and wax eloquent about her new ear rings and the other day, don't even look at her)

...must take the upper hand by wit or force or both (I am too gentle with girls, she says...oh yeah)
...must not use sarcasm-heavy humor with girls (which is what I invariably do)
...must do so many other things that I don't and must not do so many things that I do
...must not expect the girl to be constant in her behavior (I don't like girls getting their fancies, you know...that is what she says)

I had almost started to enjoy it when she dropped the bombshell as she explained why I am not a boyfriend material. The reasons, apart from a repeat of some of the ones above were:
...a hairline that has seen its better days
...greying hair brushed up with mehendi giving a technicolor look
...avuncular looks combined with quite a few extra pounds
...too sensitive and emotional to be relied upon by girls who want to have fun
...shy away from staring at the girl and look at her qualities instead, thus hurting her vanity (...oof, let the feminists hear of it, I say)
...try to be too helpful, burdening the girl with guilt and leave her wondering about the intentions
...too volatile with the mood swings to be of any use at all (I agree to this one wholeheartedly)

She said so many other things in that half an hour but I am not able to recollect all of them...tried to write whatever I could recall...but at the end of it, I was a bit more cheerful and actually able to get a good night's sleep after a long long time. I know that you are not reading this and perhaps shall never read it but all the same, thank you so much for being there for me...and of course, for giving me gyan on what a duffer I am... :-))

Love is all around

It is that time of the year again...two years since it happened and two years since I have been ruing it...did it really have to be like that...I don't know but then again that is life...you can't really hedge all the risks. Having operated almost always in the binary mode (all or none), I could not have done anything else, anyways.

Enough of that, actually! Instead of cribbing about what happened, I thought that I would try and look around at people enamored and engrossed in one completely different world that is unique in its own right, has its own definitions of right and wrong...of good and bad.

As the lazy morning sun makes its appearance outside the window and one ray of hope after another starts filtering in through the blinds of cynicism, cupid makes it appearance as that elusive rainbow in a clear sky. And then there is the heart that is overflowing with the nectar of feelings...all the nectar meant for the moth that drinks it all up as it has to dance around the light of its life. As the ray of hope touches this heart and warms the eyes to enable them to look at the rainbow, a sort of all pervasive and wistful calmness engulfs the nature and all its creatures.

The notes of the flute whisper into the ears and the soul and body are filled with that tune of melody which, despite not being so clearly etched in memory, is yet oft-remembered for its associations. And then comes the picture...the rainbow that the heart has been staring at transforms into the picture of one's love...the heart gives a sigh and a sudden rush of blood is all that tries to resist the numbness that falls all over the body like the melting wax that forms a pool around the candle.

There is no end to it...at least the heart does not want it to end...the picture is glowing as the cupid-rainbow smiles knowingly behind it, the flute is playing music at its crescendo, the light is just enough to enable vision and yet be only comfortably intense, and the moth is sucking the nectar in innocent glory.

Love is, in deed, a wonderful feeling and though it is present all the year long in those that open up their hearts to it, Valentine's Day is one occasion where the hearts grow fonder (if that is possible) and the feelings get converted to words, expressed in the most beautiful of ways.

No romantic worth his/her salt can look at this day with the eyes of a skeptic...it is one of those rare and unexplainable moments when logic takes a back seat and all that matters is small things...holding hands...doing something just for the sake of her/him...giving little nothings as gifts...candle light dinners...dances by the moonlight...looking at each other for hours on end...making her/him believe that she/he is the most beautiful person...singing her/him a song despite a sore throat...admiring her/his slightest mannerisms or possessions...living life with her/him as if there is no tomorrow...

Happy New Year!

Bombay, or Amchi Mumbai, as the locals call it lovingly and often with an awe-struck catch in their voice, is one of the cities that has its own memories for me. Not that I have been to this place many times, but despite the one time that I have been to Mumbai, the city haunts me whenever I am thinking of something fast and big, both at the same time. Having decided not to spend the new year in the train from home to IIMK, we (that is Aditya and me) had planned to make Mumbai the stopover for the night of the 31st and most of the day of the 1st. Aditya, of course, had his own plans of dumping me somewhere for the new year's but unfortunately, could not devise a suitable plan for the same in time.

The train journey from Varanasi to Mumbai CST, aboard the Mahanagri Express was mostly uneventful, and if you discount the time that we spent sleeping, there was hardly anything left. So it was that I and Aditya landed up in Mumbai and met up with Mitali. The three of us had a new year to celebrate and not much to choose from, in terms of venue or party or whatever else people engage in to announce the arrival of the new year.

Gateway was to be our first destination. During my first visit to Bombay in 2000 around the same time, I had spent hours staring at the sea (of not just water, but more importantly, the sea of humanity) from the Gateway of India, trying to recollect the numerous movie sequences shot there and trying to pry the secrets out of the hundreds that gather there almost every other night. Looking at the oh-so-famous Taj Hotel had been another pastime and as expected, there were laughs galore as I told the limited audience that I had on the 31st of December, 2004 of my plans to occupy the Executive Suite of the Taj one fine day.

One chance meeting with Ravi (who was going to spend the new years in a private party aboard a boat in the sea) and watching camera crews going berserk over the occasion later, we were all ready to move on to our next destination...but not before I had bought for myself, a nice little contraption which will make its entry in IIMK shortly.

While going to Juhu, there was this party by the sea which did not look too expensive from the outside but when we thought of finding out the ticket prices, we were in for a shock. We couldn't even gather the courage to go to the ticket counter, having already seen the class audience dressed in strange leather skirts and pants with all sorts of makeup on their faces.

Juhu it was, finally and that was where the downslide started for me. Some snacks and the arrival of the new year were over, and the three of us were just sitting on the beach enjoying the ambience when she came. She has this uncanny habit, actually, of coming every time I stay just that little too long at a beach. The memories of our time together at the Besant Nagar beach (whatever little it had been) invariably flash before my eyes in such cases as I sit rapt, listening to her sing song after song in her unique voice.

Na jaane kyun hota hai ye zindagi ke saath...
Achaanak ye man, kisi ke jaane ke baad
phir kare uski yaad, choti choti si baat

Anyways, on my request, the other two decided to change the venue of our celebrations soon enough and we were treated to some really nice retro effect at Mocha, the cafe just outside the Juhu beach. We further decided to treat the Mocha people with a generous dose of our patronage and picked ourselves up only after we were reasonably sure of catching a local to our next destination, Bandra.

Bandstand was a lovers' paradise, and a place that was full of some ostentatious display, too. With film stars like Shahrukh Khan and others having built their 'nests' there, the glamour quotient was anyway high. This was added to, by the love-lorn couples adorning the coastline, cuddling up, walking hand in hand, and coochie-cooing as if there were no tomorrow. Having got into that mood at Juhu itself, Band stand was not very bearable either. Though I did appreciate the life of the place, perhaps that very life got to me too much to be able to really love all that went on around me.

The next day was not too momentous, with the morning spent in trying to find a suitable loo (we reched a McDee's at 8 in the morning, expecting it to be open:-)). The loo presented itself when we reached INOX, the latest theatre on the Bombay movie circuit and what a loo it was...neat and clean, it almost encouraged me to brush my teeth...but for the attendant :-)

After a really nice and cheerful movie, The Polar Express, a lot of roaming around in the Mumbai locals (including the luggage van of one of them), paying a fine for the wrong tickets, but only after explaining the naive innocence of us Allahabadis, left to fend for themselves in the big bad Bombay, an okay but expectation killing lunch at the exotically named Not Just Jazz By the Bay...we were ready to catch our train from Panvel, where we met Sundesh, Vikhyat and Jena who were also travelling with us to Calicut.

Also travelling with us were another set of passengers who were a little odd, to say the least. A group of young people, with a few middle aged ones thrown in to complete the party, occupied all other berths in our cabin apart from the two on which we were sleeping. When we opened our eyes during the night, varying scenes on the opposite berth attracted our attention every time we did open the eyes. Man and Woman, Man and Man, Woman and Woman...nothing seemed to be beyond them. The morning was even more shocking as they got closer to their destination, Kankanadi (Mangalore). With four lettered expletives making the rounds after every second spoken word, and some really explicit body-talk, there was enough entertainment for the two of us to last us for the remaining journey.

I want to crib

The Harry Potter DVD I got from the DVD rental shop downhill does not work

I have been kicked out of the college basketball team

I have missed the deadline for submitting the scholarship form

I lost the trials for the college Chess team

My legs hurt after the basketball practice of yesterday and more than that, my ego hurts after the realisation of how unfit I have become

I am not looking forward to the weekend party when the IIMB people come in and am actually losing all enthu for parties

I screwed up the quiz in UD's Financial Management class today

I have not been able to update my blog as regularly as I want to...have not been feeling like writing

My ICICI Bank ATM still doesn't work and I am under the debt of so many people

I have been thinking a lot about her nowadays

Old memories

She called me up almost as soon as I reached Bangalore. Sweta had called up earlier and might have told her that I am in town. She might have known even otherwise. Why did she call...I really don't know. To congratulate me...that she had already done in her typical one-line-email way: "Congrats! Have a nice time there". To ask for a treat...she never did ask me for any treat though we talked for about 15 minutes and there was a lot of mention of how I am going to loose my entire bank balance in Bangalore. To just talk to me...now that is simply ridiculous. Whatever be the reason, her call was a jolt that I was not expecting and I would certainly have been better off without it. I was confused about her when we were both in Chennai, during our training days at Infosys and I guess that I still am confused about her.

Did I really love her then and do even now? Did I love her then and have grown out of that now? Did I love her then and hate her now? Did I just want her as my best friend then and still do? Did I just want her as my best friend then and not more than an acquaintance now? I don't know and perhaps, I never will. One thing, however, is certain and that is the fact that my going to IIMK means that there is very little chance of my seeing her again and I really feel like saying 'good riddance'.

We (I and Puneet, my room-mate) had decided to keep the luggage at Sushant's place and then move on to meet our respective friends from there. Sushant was not at home when we reached there. Chandna was, and was in a very good mood, compared to the last time I was here. In fact, I had thought after the last time, that I would hardly be talking to Chandna the same old way but this time, it was certainly much better and he did seem like the Chandna of old. Radhika came up when we were almost about to leave.

I don't know what her problem is. She certainly feels as if I am intruding on her property somehow, whenever I come to these guys' house. The way she looks at me says very clearly that either she considers herself to be among the clouds or me in the dirt. Whatever it is, it is her problem and hopefully, not mine. Anyway, I am not at all comfortable with people from whom I get such negative vibes.

Keeping aside these one-off things that happened, the rest of Saturday was as good as it could have been. I really had so much fun and after a long time, too. Animesh had come down from Mangalore and Ankur had come down from his own village in Bangalore (Yeshwantpur, to be exact). We had a whale of a time, roaming around Forum, the new mall at Kormangala in Bangalore, passing comments on all pairs and singletons, getting rowdy, re-living the college days. We then moved on to MG Road, discussed our lives, futures, got all nostalgic about college, and almost ended up in the nearest pub (not actually, just figuratively). Finally, sense prevailed and we moved on to Pizza Hut for the much awaited treat.

The sacrificial goats this time were Animesh for his coming onsite trip and of course, the poor me. Somebody at the nearby table had a birthday and the Pizza Hut people really made a bash of it. They made the poor girl stand on the top of a chair and wave to the Saturday evening crowd while they sang the birthday song (we pitched in, too). For a moment, we thought we would celebrate the birthday of Animesh but I guess, they would have seen through it (they might even have given some discount, was my take)...