In Fantasy Land

The six-legged dragon is spewing dark fire black as night, chilling your bones contrary to the heat you would expect to be seared with. As it flies across the hills of mist, light seems to fill the underdog and even his silhouette as he lifts his eyes towards the sky to see the dragon better and say a silent prayer. But is that simply a prayer or did he raise a wand in the air and say something more potent, one wonders as the dragon is shot down from the sky, hit by an invisible arrow. The Black Creature's hound's shrill cries envelop the air as he hits the ground along with the dead dragon. The dragon was vile but even viler was this hell's child for whom the beast was not just means of transport but something he had always used to spread terror, rooting fear deep into the minds of hapless humans.

Haven't we all read something like this at some point in our lives? Haven't we all lost ourselves in vivid imagery of this sort while watching some movie or the other? Haven't we all wondered? It may not have been...well this fantastic all the time. It could have simply been a story of boy meeting girl in a setup that you can only dream of and that of the events that follow, stuff that even nightmares are not made of...finally resulting in a climax that is so far fetched as to make you visibly cringe.  

Be what it may, fantasies often end up giving you that escape route you have always been looking for. The madness in this world notwithstanding, there is enough and more that goes on in our own minds for us to need some mechanism to forget everything. Driven into a different world, we laugh and cry with its inhabitants, barely managing to hold our sides at jokes that would otherwise have been outrageously bad, being free with that lump in the throat at events in their lives that seem equally preposterous. We forget our own worries somehow and even the most insurmountable of odds for us look like child's play for the characters that come alive in this fantasy world.

The characters are all etched so clearly, in black and in white with hardly any scope for the grey in between. There are silent characters and those who are hilariously loud...people too good and those who can't be any more of devil incarnates. Life goes on however, despite the extremes and you are swept along on the journey to fantasy land not wanting to come back...ever. Alice managed to lose herself, didn't she? And wasn't there a platform Nine and Three Quarters for Harry and his friends to escape to Hogwarts? Didn't the kids meet Aslan more than once on their journeys to Narnia? Didn't Peter Pan start living in Neverland?

And then you are back...back to the skulduggery that reality is. All the filth hits you as the unscrupulous ways of life take you away from the sweet and tangy fantasy, as you get mixed in the greys, not being able to decide the good and bad of it. How you wish things were as simple here, being able to call a spade a spade, being able to have no pain that can't be healed, no problem that can't be solved! 

As the mind wanders those lands today trying its best to break free of the monotony, I thank all those books and movies that have taken me to my own Narnia, my own Hogwarts, my own Seven Kingdoms of Westeros, my own Age of Legends where I am the Dragon Reborn, my own Gotham and Metropolis and Star City and Central City where I know all the superheroes on a first name basis.

Crossing the line

There is a very thin line between expressing concern and trying to establish authority and more often than not, one is interpreted as the other, not just by the recipient of this concern/authority but at times, also by the proponent of it. There are things that one doesn't like about a situation and is concerned about, especially if the situation invloves one's own self or some one/thing one is very attached to. However, while expressing this concern, it is seldom that we realize how close it comes to assertively sitting in judgment and actually wanting things to be done in a particular manner without arguments and deviations.

At times however, it is purely concern and experiences related to similar situations that guide such behavior of the proponent. Depending upon how sensitive the recipient is to the assertion of someone else's authority on his/her way of life, all of it may incorrectly be treated as undue and unjust. Taking a call on who is right or wrong in such cases is never easy, especially if the words do not match intent (as is the case many times) or if the intent (and the words) crosses the line.

The next question, of course, is how does the problem get solved. One of the things that such a situation leads to, undoubtedly, is frustration all around. The proponent is frustrated because he/she is concerned about the way things are going on and wants to put across his/her point of view (albeit a bit too strongly in some cases) about how the situation can be changed. The recipient is frustrated becase he/she can not accept someone else taking over his/her life and feels suffocated with the entire undermining masquerading as advice (albeit being extra-sensitive and over-reacting in some cases).

It does require more than some ordinary common sense and maturity to solve this and unless both parties put their palms together, there is no clap that is going to be heard. While it becomes important for the recipient to don the forgiving hat and look benignly at the well-wishing intent behind the whole thing, it is equally, if not more, important for the proponent to realize that it is not just the intent that is important but the way things are communicated can completely change the context and make even a good thing appear bad in a space of minutes.

What this translates practically into is that the proponent, while expressing concern and wishing that things were done in a different manner, needs to exercise restraint and know when and how to put things forward based on how sensitive the recipient is. Similarly, the recipient needs to give out a longer rope than normal and yet communicate his/her take on the situation in very clear and unambiguos terms.

Unless such situations are treated in a mature manner (and I may be doing the mistake of wanting things to be done a certain way myself by saying this), emotional volatility can often take an exponential upswing and grievously reduce the chances of happy and peaceful co-existence for both the proponent and the recipient.

In the middle

The middle of anything is not normally nice. Whether it refers to the mid-life or mid-week, being in the middle of work or getting into the mid-management, being in the middle has its follies for sure. The past few months have specifically brought this to the fore in my case. I am 31 now, a good enough age for all uncles and aunties getting worried about my marriage and yet the same people expecting me to stay away from the serious discussions...the really serious ones, whatever that means!

I love to be with the "youngsters" and yet I am expected to behave in a particular manner that befits the fact that I have been working as a profesional for almost a decade now while the real "youngsters" still have to get out of their alma mater. I want to have my say and give my suggestions on discussions that go on in the household but am not considered mature enough to understand the implications of everything and the one all-defeating explanation of experience giving wisdom is invariably unassailable.

I have had reasonable success at work, getting ahead of the curve thanks to some fortuitous circumstances and some kind seniors. I have been pretty fortunate in getting the kind of responsibilities that I have, learning the kind of things that I can, achieving the successes that I do. But what is up next? Does life stop here or is there more to achieve? Of course there is, much more but as some will say, all in its due course. But how do I explain that to my ambitious self that does not want to wait for this time to come, whenever it deems fit to?

I want to reach the next level right now. Age and associated assumed lack of experience, peer band parity, HR policies, nepotism, and sheer lack of meritocracy can go back to the stone age and red-tape-infested cobweb that they belong to. Is it too much to ask (and that too in a world that is so competitive) to be given recognition that matches the responsibilities assigned to a person.

What answers do I have to give to my often-cynical mind that keeps asking me as to the stage when the functional role gets translated into a job role? Even companies that are considered evolved in their thought processes have a delay of about 6 month to a year before they shift someone to a higher job role after that person having moved to a higher functional role. Is it too unfair to ask that if you do not consider a person worthy of getting a higher designation, more recognition, better prospects, then why would you assign more and critical work to him and why would you have expectations of him that you would normally not have from a peer of his?

But then there is the other perspective to think of, too...as is always the case. Am I really thinking about what I do as some sort of God's gift to mankind? Is there really something in me that deserves that extra recognition? What is wrong with the efforts of those that are my peers from an age, education, or career point of view that can excuse a lower standing for them than what I supposedly deserve? Am I just over-estimating my contribution and significance? Is there, after all, some merit in why things are the way they are and not the way that I want them to be?

A milestone crossed

As I sat down to write the invitation for my 30th birthday party (yes, I had one...a good one), there were several things that were going through my mind. On one side, there was the apprehension about what this new decade would bring with it, while on the other, memories of the 10 years that just went by, played in my head. The dread was setting in and so was the excitement. By the time I had finished writing the senti invite and the parody of a follow-up to it, one thing became abundantly clear to me...I was never going to be able to choose one over the other, and at least for the 9th of June 2010, it was going to be a heady mix of fear and anticipation.

So many things happened over the last ten years (considering they constitute one-third of my life, hardly a surprise) that it is difficult to really mark out anything particular and let go of the others. Most importantly, I became a qualified engineer and a manager in the last decade, which also witnessed, amongst other things, my first job, first love, first heartbreak, the adventures of MBA, my first car, a death-defying accident, big money...the list is endless.

In fact, after the rather quiet teenage spent in the safe and sheltered environs of my maternal household in Patna, the 20s were when I really became independent. From learning to cook for myself to mastering bikes (despite the accident, I actually rode them well) and cars, I was much more free with myself, much less encumbered with what repercussions any act of mine would carry. The mindset changed from a shy, small-towner to someone who has been there, done that. The attitude became full of confidence, so much so that it became a trait that marks my personality today (or so I would like to believe).

Things evolved and so did I, forming my individuality, letting go of imbibed traits or holding on to them and making them my own. There were a lot of imperfections, lot of apprehensions, instances where I was down in the dumps and others where I was right up there. All this, however, will probably happen in the coming decade as well but maybe not as frequently. At 30, I would like to believe that most of the attributes that were to shape my character are already in place and while there would be additions and deletions, they will be few and far between.

So what do I expect of the coming 10 years? I don't know really, except that additional responsibilities will come in, the family shall expand and new relationships formed, it will be time to take the plunge and leave the cushion of a well-paying job, and at the same time, get hold of and enjoy the worldly luxuries for my family and myself. I don't want to wait for the 40's to come for me to get to all this and make all these decisions. I just hope that I am fortunate (as I have been over the last 10 years) and strong enough to stick to plans and make this most important part of my life really sing.

What's on your mind?

It has been a long time since I last wrote and this happened despite my resolution (not a new year one but generally) of being more regular. Anyway, that is what always tends to happen if you really set your mind to something contrary. Come to think of it, that can not be right especially if you think about what Basu, a budding hypnotist has to say. Basu is a classmate from BHU and a good friend who I recently met at the wedding of Ankur, another classmate and good friend from BHU (and also my room mate for the only year at BHU when we had to share rooms).

Now, this wedding was in a place called Chatarpur, which inspite of what people may think, is not in Delhi (that is Chatarpur hills, by the way), but in Madhya Pradesh. The place is a district, a decent town by any standards and yet surprisingly does not even have a railway station. This is explained by the fact that the town apparently does not fall in the middle of any major route, somewhat like a dead end maybe. Anyway, I am digressing. Coming back to the point, a trip to Chatarpur in the middle of the week (the wedding was on Thursday) seemed entirely unlikely till Basu and Animesh (yeah, I know you have guessed it already...another classmate and good friend from BHU) started making plans to go there.

Go there we did, but Animesh could not make it and it fell to Basu and me to enliven the proceedings at Ankur's baraat, which was running the risk of being a non-starter but for his brother and the two of us, of course. We danced the night away and warmed the cockles of our hearts enough by feasting on some good food and good faces. Having done that, it was time to go to Khajuraho the next day to give more definition to the Madhya Pradesh trip, unique and unlikely to be repeated soon that it was.

Khajuraho was exciting (not just erotic, read again) and not only because the ruins were the way they were but more because standing in the midst of it all, you could not help imagining yourself in the era bygone when the same area that seemed deserted except for the typical tourists, was the center of civilization as people knew it. The temples, their roofs, entry pathways and the entire aura of the place simply transported you in the middle of all the action, the priests chanting mantras, the flower sellers offering you flowers to devote at Gods' feet, the artisans presenting their craft at the temples' steps...it was all so fantastic.

Khajuraho done, we moved on to Delhi where Basu was hospitality personified as I stayed with him for a couple of days and we sat around discussing stuff, watching movies, and generally having a good time. It was in the middle of this good time that we decided to take on an earlier discussion that we had somewhere in Madhya Pradesh on the efficacy of hypnotism as a form of therapy. Having tried a trained hypnotherapist and discovered that she was busy and not aavailable before I left Delhi, Basu decided to take matters in his hand.

It was, he said and I tend to agree, the suggestability of ideas that hypnotism is all about. An idea, once implanted in the subconscious tends to bring the person around to accepting the idea in its entirety. So, coming back to what I started with, if you really set your mind to something (especially the subconscious part of your mind), there is no way that will not happen. So a situation where what happens is contrary to what you have thought will happen, there is something really screwed up about you and your mind :-)

By the way, the experiment of hypnotism that Basu did with me was pretty successful.

My own shade in the rainbow

It seems strange that people from all corners of the country, from entirely different backgrounds, having seen the water run under different bridges, having worked with different philosophies...can all gather here at IIMK for a single purpose. As strange as it seems to be, the fact of the matter is that if you discount a few exceptions (which, anyway, go into proving the rule), most of the people in this batch of 2006 (or any other batch, for that matter) at IIM Kozhikode have come here to beat the others at the game. The sceptic might ask, "But isn't that expected of people who have come to an IIM after clearing one of the toughest entrance examinations in the world?"

Perhaps...and perhaps not. Is it justified to think that a person who has seen the highs and lows of academic, professional and above all, competitive life for more than four years (graduation plus work experience, if any), will still try to walk the path that he/she knows, is not going to lead him/her anywhere? Does it seem logical to conclude that even after having burnt their fingers through frayed up nerves, broken relationships at college and/or workplace, insufficient returns that are non-commensurate with the efforts put in, the focus will remain the same?

As I mentioned earlier, however illogical it may seem, it still remains the truth. The underlying truth, the basic criterion, the watch word is still that dreaded phrase Marks Obtained. Having discussed something on the lines of the purpose of coming to this institute with some one (I don't remember who) some time back, I just got thinking about it yet again after today's Microeconomics term results. Not that I have anything to complain about (not much, anyway :-)) with a really good grade of A only (why only?) that puts me into the top six of the class...but the point is something else. There are people who have grades that certainly do not match the effort that they had put in for the course. Does that mean that they should cry out at the injustice of it all, curse their luck and rue their missed opportunity of getting ahead in the game because after all, the measurement is being done in terms of marks and marks alone?

I personally feel that even if a person does not have good grades in an IIM but is able to make that up through what some call learning (and what others knowingly smile at), I think the effort has received its due. Most of the times, if not always, when a person has to face the corporate pressures for which an IIM supposedly prepares him/her during the MBA, it is this learning that actually comes to the rescue. The ways in which you have interacted with your class mates (who, by the way, are going to be some very important assets for you, down the line), the ways in which you have made the difference by doing what others are too lazy or incapable to do, the ways in which you have become some one else after those two years of MBA, the ways in which you are what you are today...are actually going to be the differentiators not only in your career but even in your personal and social lives.

Lot of idle talk...but will I, myself, be able to relinquish the thrill of receiving the highest marks, the frustration of not performing (at least in terms of marks) and all that goes with it? I am not sure but what I am sure of is this...that even if I do end up on the lower side of the spectrum, I will always be proud of making my own shade in the seven colors of the rainbow...no one repeat no one can take that from me...come what may.

At the stroke of midnight hour...

"Long years ago we made a tryst with destiny, and now the time comes when we shall redeem our pledge, not wholly or in full measure, but very substantially.

At the stroke of midnight hour, when the world sleeps, India will awake to life and freedom. A moment comes which comes but rarely in history, when we step out from the old to the new, then an age ends, and when the soul of a nation, long suppressed, finds utterance. It is fitting that at this solemn moment we take the pledge of dedication to India and her people and to the still larger cause of humanity.

At the dawn of history India started on her unending quest, and trackless centuries are filled with her striving and the grandeur of her successes and her failures. Through good and ill fortune alike she has never lost sight of that quest or forgotten the ideals which gave her strength. We end today a period of ill fortune and India discovers herself again.

The achievement we celebrate today is but a step, an opening of opportunity, to the greater triumphs and achievements that await us. Are we brave enough and wise enough to grasp this opportunity and accept the challenge of the future?

Freedom and power bring responsibility. That responsibility rests upon this assembly, a sovereign body representing the sovereign people of India. Before the birth of freedom we have endured all the pains of labour and our hearts are heavy with the memory of this sorrow. Some of those pains continue even now.

Nevertheless, the past is over and it is the future that beckons to us now.

That future is not one of ease or resting but of incessant striving so that we might fulfill the pledges we have so often taken and the one we shall take today. The service of India means the service of the millions who suffer. It means the ending of poverty and ignorance and disease and inequality of opportunity. The ambition of the greatest man of our generation has been to wipe every tear from every eye. That may be beyond us but so long as there are tears and suffering, so long our work will not be over.

And so we have to labour and to work, and work hard, to give reality to our dreams. Those dreams are for India, but they are also for the world, for all the nations and peoples are too closely knit together today for any one of them to imagine that it can live apart. Peace has been said to be indivisible, so is freedom, so is prosperity now, and so also is disaster in this one world that can no longer be split into isolated fragments.

To the people of India whose representatives we are, we make appeal to join us with faith and confidence in this great adventure. This is no time for petty and destructive criticism, no time for ill-will or blaming others. We have to build the noble mansion of free India where all her children may dwell."

Speech by Pt. Jawaharlal Nehru to Constituent Assembly of India
Midnight, August 15, 1947

With a motley crowd of about 50-odd institute staff (both teaching and non-teaching), and even fewer students (out of a total of 250-odd on campus), IIMK celebrated the 58th Independence Day of India. As the director, Dr Krishna Kumar, and later, Karan pointed out, it has been a long walk to this point where we can call ourselves independent, hence the onus is on us to realize that despite independence, we are not free to do what we please. We have a responsibility towards nation-building and going further, towards being and acting for the global citizens.

The young and future stalwarts of the Indian economy (pillars, Karan called them) started moving towards the shade (I was one of them, too) as the person from CEX (Center of Excellence), in his heavily accented speech, appealed to us to at least live for the country if we cannot take birth, exist and die for the country like the freedom fighters, soldiers and other martyrs. The song (I guess it must have been in Malayalam) by CEX students was extremely well rendered and though I could not understand much of it, it did light up that hidden spark...the spark that comes to us on at least two days of the year...the spark that made Gagan limp and stumble on his crutches all the way from the hostel to the flag hoisting (hats off, Gagan!!!)...the spark that used to start with the flag and end with the laddoos in the good old school days...the spark that is dying out slowly but surely...the spark that is getting replaced by yet another spark that is splitting up the colors of the flag, the white no longer a bridge between the saffron and the green.

What does this day mean to me as an individual is the question many of us would be asking today. For me, this day tells me that I am not under anyone's control...that I can rebel if I want to, that I can do what I please and as long as I am within logical levels of decency, nobody will stop me from doing those things. But is it that simple? There are so many things that I want to do but I can not because after all, I live in a society and am not totally independent. I am emotionally dependent on my family and friends and whatever I do has to be within the limits that are tolerated by people I am dependent upon. But then again, I am sure that these people do realise that I have my own space and they respect that space. I am sure that here again, if I am within my limits, they will not only tolerate my actions but also support me tooth and nail for whatever I am doing.

At least, I am not dependent on some whimsical person who will treat me as a dog just because I belong to a region that he thinks is his territory. I am independent of such tyranny, and for this knowledge, mother nation, I am thankful. It is this knowledge which brings the smile in my salute to you, dear Tiranga...it is this knowledge that holds my head high as I implore the wind to blow such that the national flag sails proudly...it is this knowledge that makes me bow my head with shame when I am not sure if I correctly remember, forget understand, the lines of the national anthem.

Of rains and the subconscious

I heard somewhere that it has been raining all over the country and what with all the flood stories that the news papers invariably carry in addition to the local 'strike' news, the tidings I got from the birdie seem to be true. The point I am trying to make here is that even given the nature of rains in different parts of the country, I am sure that very few places can match up to the glory of this place on the hills, especially when its pouring like this. The misty mornings (days???) give you that happy feeling in the pit of your stomach...as if you have been looking at the tresses of some very beautiful girl...jet black hair, falling as smooth as the way clouds move in the sky...shining as bright as the snow capped mountain peaks...the never ending fall of those black stars accompanied with the music of life...a symphony that thrills and even scares you...that soothes you to sleep and accompanies you to the ultimate realisation...oh, the glory of it all...the wind, the mist, the hills and the water pouring down...will it ever end...I hope not. Let it continue for as long as it wants to, don't make it go away for it is the reason why we are here, it is a celebration of our existence, is it not?

What the rains have done for me is that they have made me think and think deep (you might have guessed that from the post's initial few lines! :-)) I have been thinking about things that I normally keep on the back burner...happy things, sad things, generally things that can be thought about, lying all cozy and warm in your thick bedsheet or sitting on a chair in your balcony watching the rain splash your feet every now and then. It was in this mood that I came across the latest post on Priya's blog where she had written some of her thoughts (is it the thinking season???) on why we are the way we are. I don't have the patience and the time (have to go for dinner to the city) to write all that down again...might as well do that some time later...in the meantime, if any one is really interested (why...why not??? :-)) in my views on the subject, they can read my comment on her blog.

Revelry of the young and old

For the past few days, I had been thinking of organizing an outing in Patna. Nani has been feeling so lonely ever since Nana left and she just used to sit idle, staring into the darkness. It was very important that she have a change in her daily routine. Mananmama has got a new car and a trip for Nani in the car was also due. So it was that yesterday, we decided to go to the local Zoo for a picnic trip. Rita Mausi was here from Muzaffarpur and Mausi was already here in Patna. It was decided to have two trips by the car to transport all twelve people to the zoo.

To add to the spice, the pump at home was burnt out. Water had to be stored into drums and buckets because the mechanic had given Monday evening as the probable time of fixing up the motor and pump. Mananmama decided to have a full bath at Mausi's place in Rajiv Nagar. Since we also had to pick them up for the trip, I, Mananmama and Shanu left for Mausi's place with all our clothes for the first phase of the trip. How little we knew that this phase was all we could have hoped for. The rain gods unleashed their fury as soon as we were all ready to depart with Mausi's family for the Zoo.

After some hour-long deliberations on what to do and a score of telephone calls later, it was decided to have the picnic in Mausi's home. Mananmama went back to pick up everyone else, including Nani. I agreed, though with a heavy heart (because of the plans getting cancelled), because it would anyway have turned out to be a good outing for Nani, especially since she would be able to meet up her favorite daughter. Pappumama, as expected did not turn up. I always knew that unless the plan to the zoo materialized, he will not come. That was another of the reasons for my being upset by the change of plans.

Everything turned out to be good in the end as we did have a nice time. The lunch was good and full of fun and some good laughter all around. The most satisfying part was that Nani was having a good time and that's what finally mattered to me.

Chatting away with some friends in the night (thanks to the twelve hour internet pack that I had bought yesterday), I could not help but philosophize a bit about life. Here was Nani, all alone and full of life, slowly losing recognition of all those she held dearest to her through out her life. There, just a few days back when I was in Varanasi, was Bharat Bhaiya's new born baby daughter, who is fast busy gaining recognition of all those who are going to be close to her. So much is at stake for one while the other already has her plate full. The difference, however, is negligible. For an outsider like me, who is not in constant touch with either of them, what is important is not to let their attention wander into loneliness...keep them occupied...the methods differ but the objectives don't. Both of them are fragile as fragile can be. Both of them have to be pampered and cared for. Above all, both of them are so…so very dear to me...